Hope

It felt like an eternity that I was standing outside those airport doors, waiting for Bryan to walk through them. The door opened and as our eyes met the smile that was painted on his face spoke volumes to me and put my heart at ease. Once he reached where I was standing, he dropped his duffel bag and enveloped me in the warmest hug I had ever felt. Every ounce of anxiety that I had been feeling had been replaced by the fluttery butterfly feeling I felt when Bryan was near me. It had been months since we had seen each other but it felt almost as if we had never been apart.

We spent the weekend at this artsy bed and breakfast in Pasadena, it was fantastic. There were no interruptions or distractions, just us… talking about our future and all that entails. For the first time, Bryan openly talked to me about his feelings and the pain that he had endured from his previous relationship. He attempted to explain why he had been allowing that pain to inhibit him from jumping head first into a relationship with me. Hearing his confessions gave me the ability to understand that pushing him away was the right decision. Regardless of all the pain and hurt it may have caused for me, it was the only way that he could come to this conclusion on his own, free of guilt or pressure from me.

In our time apart, apparently Bryan had a catharsis of sorts. He explained that despite his best efforts to not feel anymore, he was in love with me. He told me that he knew he didn’t deserve to be loved back after everything that he had put me through but he would spend the rest of his life trying to earn my love. I had waited so long to hear those words. I have to admit, the tone of the words was a bit off-putting but I knew he was really trying to express his emotions which he was not all that great at doing. I appreciated the honestly and trust it took for him to open up to me like that.

As far as our future was concerned, the logistics would need to be worked out but he told me that he would be moving back to CA so that our son could have a fighting chance. I said to Bryan, “Why have you never even asked if I would move to the East Coast?” He replied, “Would you do that?” I smiled and said, ” I would do just about anything if it meant that we could be together.” We discussed what all of that meant for us. I knew my family would be pissed but at that point, I needed to do what was best for our son. Having a father in his life was the best case scenario for all of us. It was a huge leap of faith but I was willing to give it a shot. In the meantime, Bryan would be coming back for a visit for his birthday and hopefully be here for the birth of our son.

Up until Bryan came to visit, I had planned on naming our son Lucas Christian. I loved the name and had already purchased a few things with “Lucas” on them. During his visit, Bryan told me that the name was not going to fly and we needed to come to a compromise on a name. There is no easy or kind way to say this but Bryan’s name choices were horrible. We decided to visit Barnes and Noble to look through some name books and come up with something we could both agree on. After almost 2 hours, I was beginning to think that our son may come home with out a name. I was exhausted and frustrated. I sat back in the chair and looked straight ahead of me and on this end cap there was a book written by Quentin P. Taylor. I said, “what about Quentin Taylor”? Bryan responded, “I love it” and our son finally had a name.

The weekend ended way too soon. As we said our “good-byes”, Bryan rubbed my enormous tummy and said, “take care of our son, I’ll see you in a few weeks.” He kissed me and walked into the airport. The weekend had given me this glimmer of hope and it had been exactly what I needed, when I needed it… but I was still sad to watch him leave. I listened to Norah Jones the entire drive home and cried. Both from the sadness of being alone but also because of the joy I felt over possibilities.

hope

 

 

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About Water

I suppose that I am best known as Bryan's wife and/or Quentin, Zoe, Zali, Zannah, Quincy and Quaid's momma. Believe it or not, there is a lot of other shit that is fairly interesting about me... I just can't think of it right now.

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